Richard "Bertram" Poustie
Skipper, Right Hand Bat and ever-so-occasional Right Arm Leg Break bowler

"Form is temporary but class is permanent" was once used to describe ECC skipper and veteran committeeman Bertie. Sadly only the first half of the phrase could ever be applied to Richard's cricket, and then only in 1996.
Richard's leg breaks are a sight to behold - mostly by passing seagulls - though he does claim to have topped the bowling averages in 1994. Thankfully, like Richard's bowling abilities, the 1994 records disappeared a long time ago.

Nick "Brummie" Marsden
Vice-captain, Right Hand Bat and Right Arm Off-Break bowler

Thankfully Chairman Nick didn't write the pen portraits, as there just ain't enough giga-bytes in cyber space to accommodate his penchant for penning epic sagas.
In between his speech writing and day-job, as resident ECC lavatory attendant, it is hard to know how Nick finds the time to play any cricket. When he does however there is no finer willow-wielder or cover fieldsman in the club, and, though it is hard to believe it these days, Nick holds the record for the club's best bowling analysis (8 for 23) to boot.

Samuel "Jeff Spencer" Joseph
Right Hand Bat and Right Arm Medium-Fast Bowler

Specialist number eleven Sammy holds the club record for the longest ever gap between (taking) catches. Three years and any number of dropped opportunities passed before the younger and hairier of the club's Joseph brothers, held onto one at the start of the 2004 season.
In the meantime, founder member and one-time fast bowler Sammy, had set a new club record for wickets in a season (33), and for churning out rainforests of meaningless e-mails. As well as bowling faster than Gerry, Sam has the distinction of having performed ECC's first ever "Ridiculous Comic Stunt" on tour, when, keeping his eyes firmly on the ball he was chasing, he fell backwards over the boundary and down an eight foot verge.

Gerard "The Rules" Croneen
Right Hand Bat and Right Arm Slow-Medium Bowler

Gerard Croneen graduated to playing with Elthorne after years cutting his teeth playing French cricket.
Born in Paris and educated allegedly, Gerard is more renowned for his keen palette ( being in particular a connoisseur of cheese and wine ) than for his cricket. That said Gerry is the master of both the late cut and the cutting of leather boots and is also the club's expert when it comes to matters of cricketing law.
Gerry's gallic leanings can never be hidden long, and it only usually takes one or two deliveries in Kirk's second spell to see Gerry tossing his képi to the ground in disgust and muttering a familiar "Sacre Bleu!"

David "Badger" Whitelam
Right Hand Bat and Right Arm Medium Bowler

David Whitelam began his Elthorne career as a carefree stroke-maker in the middle order and an opening bowler blessed with both pace and the ability to swing the ball. He remains a cavalier both at heart and in the bedroom but the strokes, pace and swing were long since replaced by airy swishes and trundling half volleys on leg stump.
The "Badger", for reasons explained above, lives a black and white schizophrenic existence, one minute regular socialite and darling of readers of Tatler, the next nerdy webhead and anorak-sporting average compiler.
David is in charge of posting the pen portraits on the Elthorne Website so I fully expect this one won't make it.

Toby "Jugs" Roderick
Right Hand Bat and Right Arm Fast-Medium Bowler

G'dday Janet howya keeping??
Legendary for his hell-raising and boozing, Toby is in Elthorne's last chance saloon having been warned as to his future conduct several times for turning up unfit to represent the club.
He's also certain to be in one of any number of his regularly-frequented saloon bars right now knocking back the amber nectar and haranguing locals with tales of how the wickets over in England just don't suit his back of a length bowling.
When he's sober he's apparently a pretty nippy proposition and a hard-hitting lower order batsman, but we have to take Tom's word for that as it last happened when they were in primary school together.

Sanji "The Ancient Mariner" Thangiah
Left Hand Bat and Wicket-Keeper

"It is an Ancient Mariner and he stoppeth one of three.."
...Well maybe one in four these days but founder member Sanji remains Elthorne's number one gloveman.
As well as being a fierce-hitting lower order batsman of the "block, block, heave" variety, Sunny is also the most feared umpire in the club on account of his 33.3% method for dealing with LBW shouts: "not out, not out, OUT!"
Sanji's interests outside the game include collecting BMWs and wives, and getting seaside hotels on the south west coast of England shut down by Health & Safety.

Niran "The Silver Fox" Joseph
Left Hand Bat and Right Arm Fast-Medium Bowler

ECC's founding father and Life President Niran is the wiser and more likely to hold a catch of Elthorne's duo of Josephs. He is, on the other hand, far less likely to complete the season, an over or even a delivery without injury. The once pacey Foxy is now more likely to be found prowling around the chemist's shop than in the covers.
Neither would anyone argue that Niran has his own idiosyncratic approach to batting, give him 30 overs to bat and he will hole out first ball but give him 7 to win off the last over and he will dutifully block the first five balls.
Nothing is ever straightforward when Niran is around except that he is unlikely to stay around for very long.

Peter "Mad Dog" McLoughlin
Right Hand Bat and Slow Left Arm Bowler

Once known as "the finest legal mind on the pitch", after introducing fellow law-man Andrew Lafferty to the club, Peter now has to settle for the " finest legal mind at silly mid-off". On the other hand Peter remains secure in his position of finest slow left armer in the club though one suspects this has more to do with his being the only slow left armer in the club than to the yip-ridden collection of beamers and doodle-bugs he sends down these days. Along with The Badger, Peter also holds the record for the most consecutive ducks (3) for Elthorne, but hey! "does it really matter?"

Kirk "Oddjob" Bennett
Right Hand Bat and Right Arm Fast-Medium Bowler

Son of Gordon and nephew of Lennie, paceman Kirk was, in his youth, the good-looking, athletic, fast-bowling face of Elthorne's future. Oh how things change!
The acquisition of a wife, two children and another dozen or so inches around the waistline during a mysterious three-year sabbatical from the club, has turned the one-time paceman into a one-paced pieman. He bowls 'em like he eats 'em.
Kirk still leads the Elthorne attack, but only as far as the bar these days. All the same he can still hang onto a blinding catch every now and then, and he's always available for a good thrashing on the dartboard.

Alex "Alice" Graham
Left Hand Bat and Right Arm Medium Bowler

Alex began his Elthorne Career, (as a little nipper of ten years old), as an orthodox batsman and a seam bowler of some potential. Sadly he has lost a yard of pace since then but, now that he's a little nipper of eighteen, he has finally learnt to hit the ball off the square.
One of the most committed of members, both on the field and at the mirror, Alex is the only team member who knows how to effect the sliding stop. Sadly for Elthorne, he only deploys this talent when he is on the way to the bar.

Gordon "Murdo" McLeod
Right Hand Bat and Right Arm Medium Bowler

Once a highly respected opponent when playing for Surbiton against Elthorne, Gordon wasted no time in lowering his game to a more appropriate level upon his transfer into the ECC ranks. Indeed after a season or two with us, he had lowered it to such a point that he was nowhere to be seen.
Given the fact that Gordon's Bermuda triangle-esque disappearance coincided with that of ( grandson of Tony ) Kirk Bennett, and their shared fondness for carrots from Camberwell, together with the simultaneous proliferation in Kirk's waistline, it was hardly surprising that rumours spread that Kirk had in fact eaten Gordon during an attack of the munchies. Happily Kirk had just eaten one enormous pie too many and Gordon returned to the ranks as good as new, if perhaps a little balder.

Mark "Pastles" Astill
Right Hand Bat and Right Arm Medium-Fast Bowler

Former public schoolboy Pastles took a little while to fulfil his potential for the club. Possessed of a fine upright batting stance, a good technique and all the shots in the book coupled with the ability to bowl a surprisingly heavy ball every now and then, it was, however, only a matter of time before he made his mark.
Cometh the hour, cometh the man though and when that hour came Pastles was not found wanting. Sensing something was missing when Sumo retired from regular touring, Mark wasted no time in stepping into the great Man's boots duly delivering the goods in a manner which can only be called "top shelf!"
With the recent addition of on-line poker playing to his repertoire, Pastles can now justifiably claim a full house of vices.

Andrew "Psycho" Lafferty
Right Hand Bat and Right Arm Leg Break Bowler

If you are an opposition bowler reading this before taking on the might of Elthorne, then let me tell you now, that, if you want to keep your sanity, you do not want to bowl to Andrew Lafferty.
As you run up to bowl you will see before you a stance, outside leg-stump, that appears to offer no resistance to a straight ball. As you deliver the cherry your hopes will rise as, with no discernible footwork of any kind, the bat is raised to give a clear view of all three stumps. As you follow through expecting to see those stumps flattened be careful not to strain your back as your eyes follow the ball as it sails from off stump to cow corner for four.
Yes indeed Psycho is the sort of player who gets into a bowler's nightmares and never leaves.

Sanj "Bullseye" Khera
Right Hand Bat and Right Arm Off Break Bowler

An all-rounder in more ways than one, after years of tormenting Elthorne's players on the pitch when playing for one-time rivals Eversheds, Sanj now torments those very same players on the dartboard every Saturday night after the game.
Curiously in this year's Playfair Annual, whilst listing most of the usual predilections amongst his hobbies, Sanj, for some reason, neglects to mention batting with Nick Marsden in the indoor form of the game.
A skilful, wristy batsman and the clubs pre-eminent slow bowler these days, Sanj's fitness ethic is also the envy of most of the members of the club.

Tom "MCC" McCardell
Right Hand Bat and Right Arm Fast Bowler

The only bona fide Aussie in the club, Tom is also one of very few non-beer drinkers to have graced the Elthorne side over the years. This is perhaps not so hard to understand however, given the years he has had to endure watching Toby "Jugs" Roderick slide into dissipation on account of the grog.
By some distance the quickest of Elthorne's current troop of trundlers, Tom is also one of the fastest to spot a punting opportunity. Rumours that he backed Samuel Joseph to take a catch this season are of course ridiculous.
Tom is the only "Aussie" in the side who doesn't have an EU passport, which probably explains why, unlike some, he doesn't bowl like a Frenchman.

Jignesh "Jiggers" Madani
Right Hand Bat, Wicket Keeper and Right Arm Mystery Bowler.

In addition to knowing more about film cameras than anyone else in the club, Jignesh also knows a lot more about counting beans than most, and more about holding catches than Sam. A relative newcomer to the team, Jiggers has already negotiated Elthorne's first ever sponsorship deal and is currently hard at work brokering the TV rights for this year's tour. Equally at home, albeit in a nomadic kind of way, in front of or behind the stumps, Jiggers's unexpectedly economical performance with the ball, in the indoor game against Catch 22 last winter, suggests hidden depths that are waiting to be mined. Or is that plummeted?

Andrew "Milleritharan" Duff-Miller
Right Hand Bat and Right Arm Leg Break AND(!) Googly.

Profile to follow

Alistair "Smudger" Smith
Right Hand Bat and Right Arm Speed Demon.

Profile to follow

Sanj "Gargler" Garg
Right Hand Bat and Right Arm Pacey Bowler.

Profile to follow

Christian "Mad Pup" McLoughlin
Right Hand Bat and Right Arm Mystery Bowler.

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